The idea of monogamy is alien to me but it does exist, regardless of my beliefs; I write about it in my novel “In Flight”. I give advice on how to have a successful affair as monogamy goes had in hand with affair, they are lovers, if you will. I do not entirely believe in affairs either, but they are an option closer to my – open – way of thinking.
If you are loved up – enjoy it. Then give your monogamous relationship sometime and after that come back to this blog. It may take a month, a year or even more, but you will most probably come back.
Those who are at an affair stage, whether physical already or readying one’s mind for it, know that affairs can overcome many things, but isolation and being locked down is an unprecedented challenge.
Firstly, lovers are most probably locked up with their “legal” partners with very little space to breathe, let alone use their devices in private to at least keep in touch with their lover. Of course, lockdown is not a wartime quarantine, but possibilities – let’s admit – are severely limited. You may want to go out grocery shopping to have some time for yourself but it’s nothing like an overnight business trip where you can feel as free as a bird and your lover can too.
A world without a virus was full of possibilities, a world with a virus is not. So what is the reduced possibility pool offering?
Exercising is one option. This can be organised fairly easily – your partner stays with children or – if you do not have them – they can be persuaded not to join the exercise as they do not, for example, like jogging. If well planned on both cheating sides, outdoor sex may be an option, unless the law appears to disperse the crowd. Then you are in trouble for both sex in public (not sure why this is outlawed, if children are not around?) and crowding. So stay safe.
No fuck-ups are allowed
With the above in mind, we all see that physical contact can be reduced to almost nothing these days. Whether to plan an outing or keep in touch online, messages between lovers have to be fool-proof. Leaving your phone on display or your email open is a much greater risk at this time, the watchful eye is everywhere. Even if your partner is not actively aware or suspects that you have a lover, a slip-up can change that instantaneously. I would not wish – on anyone – all hell breaking loose in an enclosed space. In “In Flight” I liken an affair to a military operation – it is no way a legal romantic liaison – no fuck-ups are allowed.
Depending on the way you decide to communicate with your lover, you choose your channels of communication. The fewer, the better.
You will need to choose your communication channel with great care
Emails on anything other than your phone are not advisable. If you decide to use emails, then create a new email address exclusively for your operation. Give yourself an opposite gender’s name, even better, a company’s name, so the recipient of your emails is in relative safety if the emails are intercepted. And so are you.
Make your subject line sound like one of a million spam messages or an offer from a health food store online that your lover frequents, or something similar to a quote that your lover receives often. The more familiar the subject, the sender’s name, the less likely it is to arouse suspicion.
Look through the junk folder, establish the linguistic pattern of the message subject from an online drug store with offers for their products (everybody receives those).
Never give any specific details such as telephone numbers, addresses, avoid surnames, proper nouns that involve street names, company names and any other identifiers.
Protect your own OPSEC (Operations security – little pieces of data that can be grouped together to give the bigger picture) because once your email is out in the wide world, you have lost all control of it and it can be breached. Make it untraceable. If your lover gets FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) treatment, at least you are in one piece.
Make sure your lover applies the rules above or uses a woman’s/man’s or – better – company’s name and a subject line that would not arouse suspicion by being in your inbox.
Leave the genuine spam in your inbox; drown your lover’s message in them. Establish a mutual code and use it without fail.
Do not leave your emails open, that is a given. But if you do, at least you have a chance of survival if you adhere to the above regulations.
Sometimes your partner may accidentally cast their eye over your screen. The first thing that their glance will catch is the email address and subject. If those are perceived as spam or junk, their brain will switch off there and then. You may be a hair away from being found out, but you still have a chance. You just need to keep your cool.
The above are the basic rules that one of my friends and his lover failed to follow.
One day he popped into the kitchen to make himself some tea having left his email wide open. Just for one second.
The chain of events that followed is fairly predictable: a genuine Skype message pings, his wife wonders who it is and peeks at the screen. One little peek, not exactly intentional. She sees emails from a woman with the subject ‘I want you’. She investigates further, suspicion aroused. The average reaction time to a visual stimulus for humans is 0.25 seconds, so he had no chance. She came, she saw, she divorced him.
If the lovers had had the sense to apply the rules above, she would have turned away from the screen as soon as she saw an airline’s name and the subject line ‘25% off flights to Croatia’.
Firstly, do not record your lover’s (or lovers’) name(s) in your contact list. Memorise their number and delete it from all the lists every time you have used it.
If you cannot memorise the number or if there are more than one, do not record your lover’s real name. If it is Thomas, record it as Tomaszewska, Nelly, senior HR manager from work. It is important to record people the level of which deters your legal partner from approaching them in fear of compromising your position at work.
If they do regardless, then there is no unexpected harm to your work situation anyway. You would also benefit from knowing that your partner is infuriated enough to burn you at the stake. Act accordingly.
Secondly, password lock your phone. And not your date of birth kind of password. Choose a kinky word, translated into your favourite foreign language. For numbers choose how many fingers you like in your pussy when being licked, and multiply it by the number of lovers that you have now. Just an idea. Make it easy for you but difficult for the ones that crave access to your phone. Change your password often – anybody whose IT knowledge stops at Control-Alt-Delete can tell you that.
I am not going to expand on a situation where your partner insists on you leaving your phone unlocked and you comply. This micro-management of somebody’s life would give me an indication of a destructive master-slave relationship. Unless it is your kink, I would suggest growing pair of metaphorical balls and getting out of it.
Thirdly, do not leave any compromising messages or photos on your phone or email. There will be a time when you will leave it unattended, trust me on this. Once found they can be successfully used against you. Even if you think you have cleared everything and you think you are situationally aware (= know what is going on around you), you are in no control of the variables, such as a new message arriving to your phone at precisely the moment your partner is dissecting it.
For in detail advice how to deal with online communication, refer to my book (you can read it free online with Kindle membership, search “How to have a successful affair”). But if you are careful enough, you can still enjoy stolen moments of happiness with much less masturbation and much more daydreaming. It is not ideal, it is not enough, but that is the world we live in now.
I hope some of it helps you. Or gives ideas of what your partner is into (Why would Nelly Tomaszewska from HR contact your husband? She never does… See, it works both ways).
Would an open relationship be inappropriate somehow?
To summarise, some food for thought: if you are having an affair in the first place, then are you happy with your official relationship? Is your lover something serious or are you both just playing? If it’s the former, then just be with them, how long have you still got to live? If it’s the latter, then why not have such affairs openly, with full knowledge of your partner? Of course, there are always the issues of safety and jealousy to consider, but let’s imagine, for now, they are solved in a logical way. Would an open relationship be inappropriate somehow? If so, why would it? Is it only because the world is not used to it? Because who knows when a two-way partnership rule was established as a norm and we do not question it?
Think about it. Be fair with yourself.
Talk to me. If you wish.